Feelings, Musings


3 May 2017
Credit: Arto Marttinen

(photo credit: Arto Marttinen)


I would like to make a habit of noting how I feel each week throughout this term.  Ideally, I would blog this After listening to some Marshall Rozenberg (cause it’s been a while and I’m rusty with the whole vocabulary and everything), but we’re here now so… here we are.

So… let’s see what I actually remember.

Right now, I am feeling calm, engaged, hopeful and somewhat focused because I have a found some people to help me with my visa process, and have incorporated morning pages, yoga, meditation and gratefulness into my daily routine.  Doing most of those first thing in the morning has been jumpstarting my day with energy and determination and so I have been more productive and feel calmer.  These things are meeting my needs for security, stability, support (as others are encouraging and helping me), peace, order, and autonomy.  Also my needs for hope and creativity are being stirred as the path to legality clears.  Many ideas are popping up for ways of launching my business, things I could do, events I could throw, types of people I may encounter.  I am starting to feel a simmering excitement (rather than the intermittent bursts as Id move forward, followed by bursts of fear as I pondered the possibility of failure).  This is going to work.  I am moving from I Believe to I Know.

Needs not being met?  Or not being met enough?

My need for full peace of mind and for physical affection and intimacy are only being partially met as I navigate my relationship status’.  I am feeling apprehensive, foreboding, and panic as well as longing and a mild anxiety (tempered by the excitement over the previously mentioned positive movement).  I have a need for security in my connection, and I do not have that currently. How am I currently trying to meet this need?  Poorly.  I am reaching out to whatever is closest in order to catch even a vapor of what I want.  How COULD I more adequately meet my needs for Connection?  Meetups are nice, but they do not provide intimacy.  Perhaps companionship.  Maybe take that into one of the meditations.  How can I meet my need for secure intimacy?  Would volunteering at an animal shelter do it?  Ha.  Maybe volunteering with babies?  Nope, that would stir a sense of lack I think….  Okay, well… meditate on it.

Anyway.  What else am I feeling this week?  I think those are the two overlaying sentiments.  Simmering excitement over filling my need for stability, and …well… simmering anxiety over my unmet need for stable, un-confusing, uncomplicated love and connection.

Yup  Sounds about right.

I guess we’ll see how I feel next week… if anything has changed.  Sure.

Yay, I did a thing :)  Look at me being productive ^_^


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