Feelings, Musings

Internal Temperature

10 May 2017
100517 Pyromaniac Shop

How am I feeling.  Hm.  Interesting thought.  Lemme tune in a moment.  I don’t quite get the sense that I actually tuned back in after my little ‘weekend getaway’.  I sort of preemptively took the whole weekend to go super slowly and binge shows n stuff, checking out the way that I sometimes do when I’m on my regla.  Cept that my regla hadn’t actually started yet.  But I felt really out of it, so I took the break, and it was wonderful, and I have no regrets.  Hehe… and NOW, several days later, my regla is actually starting, and I’m cramping like a mofo, and here I sit at a table actually doing work.  So maybe banking my rest days actually worked?  (She said 2 hours before completely wiping out).

Oh man… I hope I didnt actually just jinx myself.

ANYway, yea, so I checked out over the weekend, and then Monday rolled around and I went through the motions, but like… in… slow motion….  Late to bed, late to wake, one task sliding into another.  I would like to clean all that up, you know, AFTER my regla.  But for now, just tuning in, How am I FEEling.

I am currently feeling excited about some classes I found and would like to take which would meet my needs for play, movement, challenge and hopefully community.  I am ignoring some mild anxiety about my legal documents and stuff, which is threatening my needs for stability and peace of mine.  I DO believe that everything will work out fine and in time, as always, but while everything is in the air, Im just… antsy.  I feel hungry.  I feel the first level of cramps washing over me in waves, which is threatening my needs for well-being and clarity.  We haven’t reached nausea or bartering yet, and my head only feels a slight pressure so far.  It’s the prey seeing a very heavy but agile predator crouching in the shadows.  EVERYone is frozen, tense, clenched, ready to spring, but waiting.  That dreadful kind of waiting.

Um… I am also feeling a bit sleepy, but wary, as though I am ‘not allowed’ to relax and start winding down yet; as though I am forgetting something important that I am supposed to be doing.  My need for tranquility is tingling.

 

Interestingly, my lesson (5) from ACIM for today was I am never upset for the reason I think.  So, Im gonna actually single out that previously written line n restructure it real quick through the lesson format.  “I am ignoring some mild anxiety about my legal documents and stuff….”  I am not anxious for the reason I think.  Mmk.  What was the reason I thought?  I thought I was anxious about getting settled.  So if not that, than what?  Fear of failure?  Or wait… maybe it’s a rhetorical question.  I mean… per the nature of the statement, wouldn’t Any answer I give be false?  Or is it just that the First thought I have is wrong?  Or is it that ALL upset is due to one single ‘problem’ – the illusion of separation.

Dunno.  Sleepy.  Fun times.

Hokidoki.  That’s all for this episode of ‘How Is DanDann Feeling’.  It am not fully content with my level of divulsion (isnt that a word?  why isnt that a word)… my depth of thought in this particular post.  I could have dug a bit deeper I think but instead wrote quite a bit distractedly.  Next time, I would like to focus a bit more and really connect with how I am feeling.

Duly noted.

Bai now.

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